COMING FOR AMERICA

Andayi Mushenye always dreamed of moving to America, and his dream is coming true. Accepted at Eastern Michigan University he soon learns that American culture is very different from his Kenyan village, and the British English he learned in school has not prepared him for American colloquialisms.

From the moment he exits the plane, he faces many challenges. He’s never seen an escalator, and he doesn’t know Americans drive on the opposite side of the road and write dates with the month first. He is chastised for washing his face in a water fountain and thinks Pizza is a person. The grocery store has many varieties of the same food, and he’s horrified they sell hot dogs and swiftly departs. For days, he subsists on bread and Coke, but when he runs out, he goes grocery shopping. He boards a bus but doesn’t understand that nobody collects the fare, and soon he thinks the cops are chasing him for fare dodging. He gets off the bus and takes the back roads back to campus. He later decides to go on foot to look for food. When he passes an eatery with a neon sign indicating it’s an all-you-can-eat buffet, he is afraid to go in because he is not sure he can afford all the food. Someone suggests he eat at Subway, but he wonders how he can eat at a train station in New York when he is in Michigan.

Eventually, he sees a sign that says KFC and watches vehicles pulling up at a window to collect their food. He walks through and begins to order but is refused service. He suspects they are racist, but the attendant asks him to come inside. Although he is afraid fried chicken is too expensive, he is soon educated about the confusing chicken delicacies, different flavors, and numerous drink options. It’s the best chicken he has ever eaten.

On his way back to campus, he sees a sign that says everything is a dollar. He fills his bag but is shocked to find it is the cost of each item. He convinces his dorm mates to get a bucket of KFC but disgusts them by cracking open the bones to suck out the marrow and then chewing the fried bones. When he learns that Americans throw away fish heads, the fishmonger offers him some for free, but when he starts cooking them in the dorm’s community kitchen, it sparks a comedic circus. He volunteers to give some head to his friend and discovers this means something completely different. Eventually, the other students complain about the smell, and Andayi is told to stop cooking in the dorm kitchen.

But food isn’t the only challenge. He ruins his clothes by washing them in bleach because the packet indicates it makes clothes brighter. He goes to buy new ones, but no vehicle stops to give him a ride (as any polite African would), and he is forced to walk to campus in the sweltering heat. When he complains to his friend, he is told about the dangers of serial killers in America. Andayi signs up for a swimming class where he learns that what he sees as giving a girl an admiring look and a compliment might be considered sexual harassment.

However, Andayi faces his biggest challenge in a required computer basic skills class. He’s never touched a computer, doesn’t know what a mouse or a desktop is, and tries to copy the other students’ movements. The lab assistant shows him how to use email and sets up an address, but when he gets an American Online message saying he has mail, he runs to his residence hall but finds nothing. The residence hall receptionist volunteers to show him where his mail is and tells him he has a lot of spam. Andayi wonders how she knows he is full of unused sperm since leaving Africa.

When she tells him about the danger of viruses and advises him to protect his hardware, he thinks she is warning him about HIV and to use condoms. Eventually, he realizes that no one, including his classmates, is born knowing how to use a computer, but this skill is essential to his future. He studies extra hard, and by the end of the semester, he aces his final exams. On the last day of the semester, a BYOB party is announced. Andayi, just like in his village, dresses immaculately for the occasion, majestically enters the party venue, and sits down. He sees everyone is drinking but he is not served any drinks or food. Not knowing it’s a Bring-Your-Own-Beer party, he thinks he is being discriminated against, gets infuriated, and storms out of the party. Finally technologically plugged into the United States of America, he’s on his way to accomplishing his dreams, or so he thought.